Keep it Together

I had written some of this stuff a few weeks ago...kind of venting.  grieving.
So I hope you find something out of if.  It's mostly just gibberish.


The sad thing is I don't even really know if I feel as if I lost love.  I did, but long before I realized it...  At some point there was no love left to lose.  At some point it was just about going through the motions.  Maybe.  Maybe, we skipped the chance on creating a wonderful friendship.  I feel like I kind of destroyed it before it even started.

Maybe it was half a year, sitting with some of the uglier sides of myself.  Looking at them.  Accepting them, sometimes. Trying to take my faults down a different road than I had taken them before... I tried to beautify them.  Hide them.  Handle them.  As most of us do.

Everyday is a little different now.  Most days, I still wonder if he has a, new found, dead spot inside.  Maybe the same place I have one.  It doesn't matter.  Not one bit.  It is definitely not progressive in the least.

You can live quite excellently when you allow the unknown to flow through your life with ease.

...

I have been talking to a close friend from the first ride for the past two evenings now... after we talk I feel like things are going to be okay again.  I am grateful to have another person there that understands. Feels the loss and can talk about it.  I don't know what I would do without her...or any of the other riders for that matter.


Being on this ride, by myself.  Being in the present moment, alone, has helped me not think about what I had before.  It helps me not miss what was, but appreciate what is and get excited for what is to come.
There is, however, still something inside of me that feels like I can't filter what has happened.  I can't see the bigger picture yet.  The significants of the last trip is still foggy sometimes.  I don't feel like I will ever go back to who I was.  I sort of lost myself for 5 months...and I am just now realizing, it is going to take time to find myself again.  I am still swirling in the whirl pool of past events...I can feel the current slowing down though...The confusion that came from the dive is coming to a calmer place, closer to shore.

I am ready for Colorado.  New beginnings.  New adventures.  New people.  New question marks.